Dating Tips For Plonkers VII: Honesty Not Always Best Policy

When you’ve finally plucked up the courage to get on a dating site, the guarantee to meet the person of your dreams who thinks you’re Johnny Depp because you thought posting a photo of him (or Chinese equivalent, namely my all-time hero Chow Sing Chi) would attract more people to your profile, DON’T write:

“I live with my wife and love her very, very much. But she doesn’t love me anymore. In fact she’s been having an affair for ten years. She completely ignores me. But I love her so much. Anyway, I thought I’d try this …”

In fact, if you’re married, don’t be on a dating site for people looking for real relationships at all? Just a thought. Call me old-fashioned but I like a man who can, oh I don’t know, maybe spend the night a couple of times a year, be seen in public with me, at least in the dark … that kind of thing.

Dating Tips For Plonkers III

I know internet dating (internet dating) works for millions of people all over the world. There are no hard and fast rules, but common sense should loom large in this as in many other things in our modern and confused world.

The other day my friend told me about this woman in .. Lithuania? One of those Formerly Known As The Soviet Union places, who had been internet dating-emailing this colleague of his, and who had written something in Russian, or the Cyrillic alphabet, in the mail. My friend happened to recognise those words: “I love you.”

I love you? To someone you haven’t even met???

But the human heart holds all sorts of things (crap) so what do I know.  Anyway, here comes the internet dating tip:

When you’ve sent a few emails to a woman, telling her about your job and other wildly interesting things and you’ve put your phone number there and received a text message from her, and the texting has gone backwards and forwards for a few days, and you’ve told her how really interesting she is and how you really would like to meet her to get to know her better, DON’T, (I repeat DON’T!!!! send a text saying: “Do you want to meet tonight for a one night stand?”

All right, so some women would leap at the chance. Not many, but some. But as a rule, I think discussing having a one night stand with someone you haven’t even met (see above) is counter-productive.  As a rule. Honest, but counter-productive.

Dating Tips For Lovers II: Don’t be a plonker

You’d be surprised how many men think women think like this: (Like men)

Man: (passing female stranger in the street) “All right, sexy? Fancy a shag?”

Woman: “All right then but only standing up behind this refuse container and I’m only taking off one trouser leg – I have to be at work in twelve minutes.”

Here’s a tip for the ardent internet dating shagger: When you, in your first email to your victim have fired off your one inspired line about going out for a drink, ordering her to call straight away and she actually does, DON’T spend the ”date” the next evening not saying a word, suddenly leaving in mid-drink. And DON’T text her the next day saying: “Would you like to go to China with me and spend the night? I haven’t had a woman in ages.”

Well you can. But you’d be a plonker.