The Truth About South China Morning Post

A couple of days ago, in the middle of reading yet another dreary SCMP article about boring old Edison-boy and his many consorts, I found the truth about SCMP at last.

It is written entirely in Chinese and then translated by computer, just like those pirated DVDs some people buy in Shenzhen. You know, those films where when the actor says “Frank, come here!” the subtitles read: “Across come, law orchid can!”

Now the SCMP has thrown itself on the compu-translating bandwaggon. Or how else would you explain that, when Edison says he hopes the public will “give him a chance”, it’s translated as “offer him an opportunity”?

Downsizing, downsizing. It really works. Now I have to spend HK$ 95 every Tuesday to buy The Sunday Times, because I hunger so to see some sentences in a newspaper that don’t look as if they’re put together by chimps – and, of course, the computer translation machine.

Again With The Edison!

Is anybody else tired of reading (and writing) about the sexual exploits of a not very talented man named after a lightbulb?

Hong Kong’s English language South China Morning Post, priding itself on being more highbrow than the Chinese newspapers, writes about this tired story on the first page every day; mostly, it seems, to comment on how obsessed other newspapers are with the “scandal.”

Me, I’m wondering why Hong Kong people have this obsession with using surnames as a first name. Mandela Wong, Einstein Leung and, yes, Edison Chen, is the order of the day here.

I know they probably think that some of the greatness of the scientists, matemathicians and what have you will rub off on them (I still haven’t come over someone named Shakespeare Cheung) but really? You never meet any Europeans called Edison Hanson or Johnson Thomson, do you?

The best “surname as first name” I’ve ever come across was in IKEA in Causeway Bay. The surly, dumpy, spotty checkout-girl with greasy hair who unenthusiastically served me when I wanted to pump another few dollars into the swedish economy, bore the name tag SMITH.

But back to Edison. What’s with the saying sorry? Excuse the pun but what the fuck’s he done? So he likes to see his own scrotum in extreme close-up. What’s wrong with that? It certainly looks better than his face.

I would really have respected him if he’d immediately called a press conference saying: Yes I filmed myself in bed with … some people whose names I’ve forgotten. Do you have a problem with that?

And as for the writhing bints, if they’d given interviews saying: “Yes we did it with Edison. It wasn’t much because he was too busy checking his hair, but hey, we’re on TV innit! You have a problem with that?” I would have applauded them.

As it is I despair to live in a town where adults have to apologise to the public for having had sex in the tasteless comfort of their own homes.

But I think old Thomas Alva will be proud knowing that somewhere there’s a man who’s named himself Edison, and who has made the ultimate sacrifice to atone for the sin of following his biological urges: Leaving the Hong Kong entertainment industry forever.